Dystopia novel
“ww3 the worst fight of my life” The oil spitting mechanical ravens swooped and squawked at the helpless soldiers, and played with them like toys. Tall skyscrapers were clouded by the burning wood. The empty rusty train pulled into his last stop the fear on its face. The livid and evil monsters lurked under the water planning their attack. Families hiding in their basements worrying about how they are going to survive this outrageous war. buildings burnt to shreds, the crackle of the fire silenced the city, was it over?
“BOOM” a bomb went off everyone was startled. I wondered who would do such a thing. Then it came to me it must have been Dr doom the evilest citizen of bat city “BOOM” another one went off. Suprisingly the bombs were about 10 minutes between each other. The only problem is his lair was on the other side of the town, I’ve got to stop this i thought
instantly I ran in and out of alleyways ducked under poles I ran and jumped until I reached dr dooms EVIL lair. From the outside it looked like an innocent grandmas sweet shop bit in fact on he other side of the door an evil wrinkly old man who planned his evil schemes.
This has started brilliantly, Kamran!
I’m thrilled to read you writing with such confidence and using such a wide vocabulary. Do you think once your first draft is done, you will be able to go back and see if there are places where you can improve your writing using the new grammar skills we’re developing?
For example:
“Tall skyscrapers were clouded by the burning wood. The empty rusty train pulled into his last stop the fear on his face”
Could develop into something like:
“Pulling into his last stop, the fear on his face was visible in the train window that also showed the view of the skyscrapers clouded in the burning wood”
– What features of grammar have I used in my re-write?
Mr Waugh
Sir can you comment on mine
I still think you could do more to take note of the existing feedback. For example, does this:
“The empty rusty train pulled into his last stop the fear on its face. ”
Make sense as a sentence?
How about starting sentences with prepositions, did you have an attempt with that at any stage? Is there a place where this could be done?
Mr Waugh
Amazing work I love every thing but try to use abit more subornation clauses and adverbials.Apart from that everything else is fantastic